After finishing their coffee, it was not yet five p.m. Since there was nothing urgent to attend to, Chao Xin decided to leave.
Xiang Wan escorted her to the roadside, standing on the shoulder of the road, watching as Chao Xin opened the trunk and habitually changed her shoes.
After changing her shoes, Chao Xin appeared slightly shorter than Xiang Wan, who stood on higher ground. Leaning against the car, she said to Xiang Wan, “I’m leaving, call me if you need anything.”
Xiang Wan didn’t part with her obediently; instead, she watched Chao Xin.
Xiang Wan’s long, ink-black hair framed her face like satin. Perhaps due to the day’s fatigue, her expression appeared somewhat weary, unable to completely hide the slight trace of unhappiness in her eyes.
In Xiang Wan’s quiet features, Chao Xin realized that the ‘wan’ in Xiang Wan, was the ‘wan’ that meant to retain[1].
So, she thought for a moment before softly asking Xiang Wan in front of her, “Backseat?”
A very suggestive word, as if saying we could share a piece of candy.
Xiang Wan tugged at the corner of her mouth and walked over, opening the back door.
Chao Xin followed, and they sat facing each other, just like they did in the garage. Chao Xin cradled Xiang Wan’s face with one hand, intending to kiss her.
But she suddenly stopped. It was bright during the day, and through the front windshield and side windows, Chao Xin could clearly see some parents fanning themselves with flyers.
Chao Xin laughed helplessly and pulled away from Xiang Wan.
She couldn’t go on, it was too easy to think of the previous roommate, and the hesitation about whether Chao Xin was the ‘sister’ or ‘mother’ accompanying Xiang Wan to school.
She swallowed, saying, “Forget it.”
Forget it… What did she mean? Xiang Wan felt as if she had been pricked in her chest, and her eyes too.
“I’m not used to it here,” Chao Xin explained, “You go back to the dorm and rest first. When they come, enjoy your meal.”
She caressed Xiang Wan’s face, then opened the car door and got out. She held onto the car frame and waited for Xiang Wan.
Xiang Wan came back to her senses, sitting in the car looking up at Chao Xin. She kept silent for a few moments before getting out of the car.
She rarely experienced such a sense of unwelcomeness. Even though it was a minor gesture, it signified exclusion, especially when it came from Chao Xin.
However, upon thinking it over, she and Chao Xin were just friends. Whether Chao Xin was warm or cold, it was all perfectly normal.
So, she still stood on the shoulder of the road, watching as Chao Xin moved back to the driver’s seat, rolled down the window, and told her, “Go back.”
After a pause, she added, “Take good care of yourself.”
It was a very common admonition, but it seemed to suggest they wouldn’t see each other for a while.
Xiang Wan felt very disappointed, truly disappointed this time. She nodded in farewell to Chao Xin, before turning alone to walk back into the campus.
The car started, slowly gliding past the school gate. Chao Xin cast a half glance, catching a two-second glimpse of Xiang Wan’s retreating figure, and felt a pang of reluctance.
The once docile kitten in her arms now seemed abandoned, without even receiving a comforting kiss.
The distance of two streets, by car, was nothing more than acceleration and deceleration. Yet Chao Xin mulled over many thoughts.
Her connection with Xiang Wan was too fragile. Apart from their intimacy in bed and a short-term work relationship, which had almost concluded, they had nothing else.
They had never even had a heart-to-heart conversation, discussing each other’s pasts.
Amid this fragile relationship, the most vulnerable part was their position. Chao Xin even found it challenging to convince herself about the role she played when accompanying Xiang Wan to school.
If the two waved goodbye and went their separate ways as they did today, it was likely they would forget their hidden pleasures.
After parking and locking the car, Chao Xin walked upstairs and opened the door. Paipai was still at home watching ‘Poor Little Sisters.’
Seeing her, Paipai ran over barefoot. She carefully apologized while watching her hang up her bag, “I used the microwave to heat lunch and accidentally broke a bowl. I didn’t clean up because I was afraid you’d worry about me getting hurt.”
The way she said it was clever, fearing Chao Xin would worry.
Chao Xin gave a small laugh.
Paipai tilted her small face up, blinking at her, looking left and right. Then she spoke, “If you’re upset, you can scold me and watch me, I’ll clean it up right now.”
“You can even be really fierce, it’s okay.”
Chao Xin stared at her for a few moments, then squatted down and hugged her frail waist, taking a deep breath as if gathering strength.
She then stood up and said, “Let me do it. You go watch TV.”
Paipai followed her, temporarily abandoning ‘Poor Little Sisters’.
It was a day identical to those that had come before, with her and the chatty Paipai depending on each other. It was familiar, comforting.
At half-past five, the sun still blazed fiercely over Jiang University’s campus.
Yu Zhou and her friends parked outside the campus. After strolling around a bit and visiting Xiang Wan’s dormitory, they were already overwhelmed by the heat. So they decided not to endure the crowded canteen, and instead drove to a Japanese restaurant near Chao Xin’s place.
“Are you sure Chao Xin isn’t coming? Should we call and ask again?” After ordering, Yu Zhou propped her face on her hands, looking at Xiang Wan across the booth.
It would be so convenient, being this close.
Xiang Wan shook her head, “She has work.”
She said nothing more after that.
The meal was quite quiet. Perhaps the sun had made everyone a bit listless. Su Chang and Peng Xiangzhi occasionally spoke about recording matters, while Yu Zhou started scrolling through Weibo gossip on her phone as she ate.
“Your audio drama has been announced, aren’t you going to repost it?” Yu Zhou, scrolling through her phone, asked Xiang Wan.
Xiang Wan didn’t respond.
“Wanwan?”
“Hmm?” Xiang Wan came back to her senses, reaching out with chopsticks to pick up a piece of salmon sashimi.
Something’s not right with her. Peng Xiangzhi and Yu Zhou exchanged a glance, making a conclusion.
“What’s wrong? Not happy about going to school?” Yu Zhou coaxed gently.
“Did you two have a fight?” Peng Xiangzhi blurted out, “That person didn’t come again, and this person is distracted.”
Xiang Wan took a bite of the rich fish, the fatty flavor flooding her mouth.
“Really?” Yu Zhou sniffed, finding it hard to imagine them fighting.
“I am just pondering.” Xiang Wan said at her own pace.
“About what? Share it with us.” Yu Zhou put down her chopsticks, reaching under the table to play with Su Chang’s ring on her finger.
“I’ve been intimate with Ms. Chao.” Xiang Wan cut straight to the point.
Ah, even though they had guessed it, it was one thing to speculate, and another for Xiang Wan to admit it so directly.
Yu Zhou blushed a bit on behalf of Xiang Wan, no, it should be on behalf of their senior, Ms. Chao. Peng Xiangzhi took over the conversation, “I noticed it that day, just waiting for you to start school before interrogating you.”
She scooped some cabbage from the sukiyaki pot, her eyelids twitching.
“How did things progress so quickly? So, are you two, together?” Yu Zhou continued playing with Su Chang’s ring.
It didn’t seem like it. If they were together, Xiang Wan’s choice of words wouldn’t be ‘been intimate.’
“Wasn’t it some drunken mistake?…”
“Very sober, it was a mutual decision,” Xiang Wan said, “Just that we didn’t know each other well enough, haven’t decided to be together.”
“Holy… you’re so trendy.” Yu Zhou exclaimed, an ancient person, playing one-night stand here.
Yu Zhou herself, a modern person, hadn’t even been this wild.
“But looking at your lost and dispirited state, you’ve probably fallen for her, right?” Peng Xiangzhi knew this kind of thing well. If it was just a physical relationship, the young girl wouldn’t lose mood for her meal now.
Xiang Wan didn’t say a word.
“By the way, who tops and who bottoms between you two?” Peng Xiangzhi added on.
“Does it matter?” Xiang Wan was indifferent.
“If she’s on top, it’s quite beastly. I can’t quite imagine it.” Anyway, that’s Chao Xin…
“Beastly?”
“After all, you’re 20, and she’s 33. She doesn’t know you’ve time-traveled here, making a move on someone more than a decade younger, right?” Peng Xiangzhi pouted.
Was there such a rule?… Xiang Wan had never thought about it. After all, she wasn’t betrothed even when she was eighteen, already considered an old lady in the Li Dynasty.
“So, Wanwan, what are you thinking now?” Yu Zhou didn’t want to pry into these overly private matters, so she changed the subject.
“She’s a bit… hot and cold.” Xiang Wan said thoughtfully.
Yu Zhou glanced at Su Chang, privately thinking that this was a bad sign. She knew this feeling all too well. If one start to analyze the other person’s attitude, finding them unpredictable and aloof, it’s definitely a sign of concern.
“You haven’t run into a jerk, have you?” Peng Xiangzhi fanned the flames.
Although Ms. Chao was very competent professionally and seemed to be a good person, they really couldn’t tell with romantic relationships. People usually can’t predict a person’s romantic inclinations based on their status as a colleague or friend. Peng Xiangzhi had seen plenty of reliable workers who were irresponsible when it came to romance. It was completely unpredictable.
“A jerk?”
“Someone who plays with your emotions.”
Xiang Wan frowned, shaking her head: “Ms. Chao is not like that, she is just… cautious.”
She remembered their conversation in the car.
“Cautious and still slept with you?” Peng Xiangzhi disagreed.
Su Chang handed her a cup of Calpis, signaling her to speak less.
“I don’t think she’s a jerk,” Yu Zhou analyzed, “These few times we’ve been out, I feel she really likes you, and from what you’ve said, she treats you well.”
“And she doesn’t have other men or women she’s involved with, right?”
“There shouldn’t be any,” Xiang Wan said, “Her daily life is very simple.” She didn’t even have friends.
“Then she might feel that she likes you a bit, but it’s not quite right at the moment.”
“The key is what you think, do you like her? Let’s sort out our own side first.” Yu Zhou advised earnestly.
Xiang Wan carefully savored those subtle heartbeat, dependence, and the naked loneliness she had just expressed, feeling that she did like her a bit.
“A little.” She said, “Just, I’m not quite sure, if it’s the familiarity of living with her for a while, or the fascination with the first taste of intimacy.”
She was very careful, and honest. There was nothing to hide from these people.
“Do you need to distinguish?” Su Chang suddenly spoke up.
Xiang Wan looked at her.
“Do you have this feeling for anyone else?” Su Chang paused, “At the moment.”
At the moment… “No.”
Only Chao Xin.
Su Chang said softly, “Liking someone is a desire to keep getting closer, and one knows very well that there’s only one target for these kinds of emotions. I think there’s no need to analyze what’s behind it.”
Xiang Wan lowered her eyes, “Someone once told me that it’s important to distinguish.”
One must distinguish whether it’s an imprinting behavior or a baby bird syndrome. Only by stripping away all other factors, can she talk about liking someone.
“Who said that?”
“Your girlfriend.”
- The word retain in Chinese is 挽留(Wanliu), has a same character 挽 with Xiang Wan(向挽). [return to text]
CNYuriTranslation 