Yu Zhou didn’t eat dinner that day and she thought a lot.
She was thinking that her mindset seemed to have changed.
Of course, she didn’t think that the audience’s expectation for a dream team was wrong; the mistake was on her part, as her pride seemed to have begun to sprout.
She felt that she didn’t quite fit in with the so-called “dream team.” Each one of them, including Xiang Wan, radiated brilliance all day long, while in everyone’s eyes, she was still the one who didn’t quite fit.
When everyone’s expectations are on others, it’s hard to have the confidence to feel you’re good enough.
Originally, she thought she was growing in sync with them. After all, she had successfully published her book and now had 100,000 people reading her novel. Every day, there was a group of dedicated readers greeting her good morning and good night on her Weibo. Her new work would never go back to having only 700 collections when it was finished.
But she never knew where the uneasiness in her heart came from.
Not until she saw the comments about kowtowing.
Not until she realized that she minded those comments about kowtowing.
She began to understand that deep down, like many onlookers, she attributed her achievements today to the audio drama “Shrine,” to Peng Xiangzhi, and to Su Chang.
To the person she least wanted to give credit to.
Sometimes she hated herself for being overly sensitive. She kept telling herself to have a bigger heart, to be happier and more likable, not to be a resentful woman, and not to let negative energy control her.
But soon she found it’s a paradox, as without sensitivity, it would be hard for her to observe, imagine, experience, and empathize, and even more difficult for her to create touching words.
Sensitiveness made her, but it also hurt her.
It made her liked by others, but also made her disliked, even by herself at times.
Yu Zhou wasn’t sure if spring was the breeding season for ostriches, but the ostrich in her heart began to grow and then she buried her neck in the sand.
At first, she simply declined Su Chang’s invitation to dinner, saying she was busy writing a script.
Later on, when Su Chang commented on her Weibo, she abandoned her intention to reply as she looked at the excited fans below.
Then one day, Su Chang called her, and she fell silent after just a few words, finally saying she was sleepy and wanted to sleep.
Su Chang knew something was wrong, but Yu Zhou explained that she was exhausted from the headaches of writing the script.
However, by the end of April, she still hadn’t given Su Chang the first episode of the promised script.
This time, Su Chang came knocking on her door.
She had squeezed out time from her project to come over, so when she opened the door, her expression was a little anxious. However, she quickly calmed down and remained as usual, faint and almost like a touch of moonlight sculpted into a human figure.
In contrast, Yu Zhou’s condition was terrible. She hadn’t washed her hair for two or three days, her face was unwashed, and a few pimples had sprouted on her chin. She was wearing a cotton long-sleeve nightgown while standing at the door, gazing at her.
She looked somewhat dazed.
Scratching behind her ear, Yu Zhou asked, “What brings you here?”
Su Chang frowned, “Why do you look like this?”
Yu Zhou walked in, feeling incredibly annoyed, “I’m so bothered! I can’t write, the script is so hard to write. Why don’t you just find a screenwriter instead?”
Su Chang changed her shoes and put her bag on the shoe cabinet in the entranceway. She went to wash her hands in the bathroom first and then came out while applying some hand cream, saying, “Do you want to wash your face?”
“No, I’m too tired,” Yu Zhou replied, sitting on the sofa with her knees hugged to her chest.
She looked utterly defeated.
Su Chang sat on another sofa, carefully observing her, “Did you not sleep last night?”
“I slept for about two or three hours,” Yu Zhou said.
“Why don’t you sleep more, or at least take a shower?”
“What do you know? All writers are like this, so is the creative process. Have you ever seen a great writer looking radiant and exuberant?” Yu Zhou refuted her, but her tone was quite soft, not harsh.
Su Chang sighed, “If you can’t write the script, I’ll help you find a screenwriter, but what about your following manuscripts?”
“I can’t write those either,” Yu Zhou said.
“You can’t write them?” Su Chang didn’t quite understand, “Didn’t you already set the outline and had individual episode plots?”
“Just because the outline is set, does it mean I can write it? Does having the plots for each episode mean the words will automatically appear? Is writing that easy? You try!” Yu Zhou suddenly exploded.
Su Chang was taken aback, silently looking at her and then softened her tone, “Zhouzhou.”
“I’m sorry,” Yu Zhou still hugged her knees, staring at the reflection of the two of them on the TV screen, lost in thought.
As she stared, she suddenly found it a bit funny. She wanted to say that the two people in the reflection were such a perfect match–one was dressed in an expensive-looking shirt, while the other was wearing a nightgown with rolled-up sleeves that looked wrinkled. The reflection couldn’t show it, but she knew well that there was also a small, embarrassing bloodstain on the back that she hadn’t washed off.
This nightgown was supposed to be discarded, but she hadn’t washed any of her other sets, so this one was relatively clean amongst those left in the wardrobe.
Looking at them, they were such a fitting pair, like a master and the stray cat she had picked up.
Su Chang really didn’t understand the process of writing novels. In the past, when Yu Zhou was working on her writing at home, she wouldn’t allow Su Chang to disturb her, so Su Chang felt a bit panicked now.
She wasn’t sure if it was a problem with Yu Zhou’s mental state or if it was simply an inevitable stage for Yu Zhou to fully immerse herself in her writing while working from home full-time.
Hesitantly, Su Chang whispered, “How about we take a break and I take you out to eat something delicious? Would that be okay?”
Truthfully, she was quite anxious herself. Her phone had been vibrating continuously in her pocket. She had actually turned down a role in a drama offered by a senior colleague, and there were already complaints from the other party. However, she had no choice. Yu Zhou hadn’t been responding to her messages much for the past two days.
Every time, Yu Zhou would only reply with one or two words.
“No thanks, I still have to wash my hair and take a bath,” Yu Zhou refused with a sense of gloom.
“I…I can help you wash.”
“You’ll help me wash?” Yu Zhou turned to look at her and laughed. “What kind of relationship do we have for you to help me wash?”
Her tone was almost a sneer, for she was mocking herself. What she found ridiculous was that upon hearing Su Chang’s offer, she actually thought of how absurd it sounded for Su Chang – the proud young lady with more than two million fans – to personally help her bathe.
Yet, what was even more ludicrous was that she couldn’t stop herself from considering the issue of popularity whenever she thought about anything related to Su Chang.
For such private matters, of course, no one would say that she was leeching off Su Chang’s popularity or relying on her for a boost, but she couldn’t help thinking about it, unable to control herself.
Her condition had worsened, much more serious than before.
Look at her now—she even had to kowtow to Su Chang for an audio drama. If one day people found out that she was in a relationship with Su Chang, would her entire family have to kneel down for her?
Some would definitely question what kind of merit or ability she had to be with Su Chang – perhaps her ancestral grave was buried in a spot with good Feng Shui.
Su Chang didn’t say anything. Yu Zhou glanced over at her – her face was a little pale and her hand slightly covering her stomach as if she was in pain again.
Yu Zhou felt that Su Chang was innocent in all this.
But she had no choice but to tell Su Chang, “You should leave, I’d like to be alone.”
Su Chang didn’t want to leave, but she didn’t know what else to say at this point. So, in a very low voice, she called out, “Zhouzhou.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send it to you once I’m done. I think…” Yu Zhou paused for three seconds before suddenly saying, “Let’s not do this audio drama, alright?”
What?
Su Chang furrowed her eyebrows in disbelief while staring at her, asking, “Why?”
“Because I can’t write it anymore.”
“I can wait.”
“There’s no point in waiting,” Yu Zhou interrupted.
The reason I can’t write is because of you.
Su Chang had no choice but to lean forward a little, her eyebrows forming small hills as she asked Yu Zhour, “What’s wrong? Do you have any other plans?”
“Yes,” Yu Zhou didn’t want to entangle it any longer, “I plan to finish writing first and then give it to another production team.”
“Another production team?” Su Chang pressed her hand against her stomach with a bit of force.
Yu Zhou hugged her knees and didn’t speak.
Su Chang gently took a breath, her stomachache unbearable, but she restrained herself and softly asked her, “Which production team? Do I know them? If you want to work with someone else, you can tell me and I’ll help you consider.”
“Why do I need your help!” Yu Zhou turned her head, raised her voice and clenched her back teeth.
Su Chang rarely saw Yu Zhou like this, as if all the thorns on her body were erect, but her hands holding her knees were trembling as if she was forcing herself.
Su Chang’s shoulders moved back a bit, and her phone kept vibrating.
She leaned over, turned off her phone, and placed it on the table with a “click.”
Then she tried to sit upright as calmly as possible and looked at Yu Zhou, saying, “Have you thought it through? You don’t want to let nature take its course, do you?”
Because Yu Zhou didn’t want to entangle with her anymore, she didn’t want to cooperate anymore.
Su Chang found it very ironic. It was like she was back on that day, sitting in the same spot, listening to Yu Zhou say, in an icy tone, that she didn’t want to continue with her anymore.
But this time was slightly better – at least Yu Zhou still talked to her a bit more.
This time was also better because she didn’t have to move so many suitcases by herself again.
Packing was a terrifying thing, especially when every item they packed was a memory of their time together.
She heard Yu Zhou say, “Yes, I can’t continue with you anymore.”
As expected.
Su Chang smiled calmly and said, “Zhouzhou, actually, you could have told me directly.”
There were always two possible outcomes to letting nature take its course, and she could accept both.
She already had the experience of quitting once. This time, if there was no more cooperation, she wouldn’t appear in front of Yu Zhou again. After a while, it might get better.
But suddenly, she realized a cruel fact: the way she pursued Yu Zhou was wrong. Her name was forever tied to Yu Zhou’s works and characters. Every time the audience mentioned Shen Bai, it was like reopening her wounds.
She had never regretted it so much before.
When would it get better? She thought calmly and desperately.
Maybe it would never get better.
As this thought came to her, her chest tightened and she let out a sarcastic laugh.
The laughter suddenly disturbed Yu Zhou. She turned her face dully and glanced at Su Chang’s pursed lips, then at her turned-off phone. She said, “Just go, you have a lot of work waiting for you, right?”
Su Chang felt a little overwhelmed. Wasn’t it even okay to sit for a while longer?
She couldn’t bear it anymore.
She asked softly, “Yu Zhou, what exactly do you want from me?”
What do you want from me? It was you who said you didn’t want me, you who said you still liked me, you who agreed that we could go with the flow and let me think that we could get back together if I tried hard enough and you who allowed me to overstep my bounds and gave me hope. And now, it’s also you who asked me to leave immediately.
She felt her chest convulsing as if she were sick, struggling to breathe.
Suddenly, she didn’t understand why she was doing all this. Maybe if she didn’t like Yu Zhou anymore, everything would be better.
“I didn’t ask you for anything,” Yu Zhou buried her head in her arm, her voice fragile. “I don’t know what to do either. I just know that I’m not in a good state, can we… be apart for a while?”
“You left me already, didn’t you?” Su Chang replied with a trembling voice.
“You didn’t want me from the beginning,” she finally couldn’t hold back anymore, exposing the truth. “I was the one who shamelessly pursued you. Actually, you don’t need to feel so troubled.”
“Perhaps you think that I’m being relentless in trying to get back with you, but that’s not the case. I have dignity too. I don’t want to be looked down upon by you. If you say you really don’t want to be with me, I won’t look for you again.”
“Yu Zhou, I have dignity too,” she said at last.
The word ‘dignity’ suddenly broke Yu Zhou down.
Her shoulders trembled and she said with an even shakier voice, “The problem is, I have dignity too.”
How annoying, why did she have it?
Why couldn’t she happily say yes, it’s because my ancestral blessed me so that I met a noble person’s promotion, I could kowtow to Su Chang and even kowtow twice, I could laugh and say I’d become Su Chang’s canary, you all can envy me, I don’t need to be valuable, I’m just a salted fish, I can sleep here for the first half of night and there for last half.
But how strange, why do people have to have dignity? Even if they’re truly ordinary and mediocre, why do they still have the delusion to prove themselves?
Why were the Nuwa and god so wicked to make her obviously useless and unable to not accept other people’s help, but at the same time gave her pride?
During the half-year after she had left Su Chang, her life showed no improvement, only getting worse. Later, she thought it was gradually getting better, but it was all built on the foundation laid by Su Chang.
Su Chang found her a director, invested in her audio drama, and helped her gain popularity so that she could choose a publisher, allowing her to have more readers, more people who loved her, and even a few close friends.
But all of this was made possible by the hand extended by Su Chang.
Indeed, Su Chang was like her second parents. She should kowtow to her.
She laughed mockingly, tears falling down her face as she looked at Su Chang, both sincere and cynical at the same time, “Su Chang, let me bow to you.”
“What did you say?” Su Chang’s voice sounded crushed as her lips trembled.
“I said that I should bow to you. Everything I have today is because of you,” said Yu Zhou.
“How could you think that way?”
“That’s how everyone sees it!”
Unable to bear it any longer, she cried out to Su Chang, “Everyone, they all say that I should bow to you.”
“Who said that?” Su Chang’s jaw jutted out, her eyes filling with tears.
“The netizens, that forum, those strangers, those objective and calm people.” Yu Zhou sobbed.
“Why do you care what they say?” Su Chang tried to reach out to her.
“How can I not care?” Yu Zhou cried, “They’re talking about me. How can I not care? They’re talking about my work, my characters, about me and you, Su Chang, about us.”
She cried harder and harder, her despair growing with each sob.
“Don’t pay attention to those meaningless things,” Su Chang finally understood the problem, but it seemed like she was going to lose Yu Zhou even more. Holding back her own choking sobs, she tried to calmly tell her, “They don’t understand at all. They’re just talking about things they imagine. In fact, many people like you, support you, and treat you sincerely. You deserve their love. Don’t focus on the negativity, just look at the good things, okay?”
Yu Zhou shook her head, her voice choking with tears, “I’m not like you. I’m useless. You’re always under public scrutiny, as I’ve said before, you’re born to be admired. You have a naturally strong heart. But I, on the other hand, have what they call a glass heart. They know I’m fragile, yet they still enjoy shattering it and watching, laughing, saying Ba Da Qin Chai come out. But now they’ve proven it. I am fragile. I have a glass heart.”
“No one is born with a strong heart, Yu Zhou.” Su Chang looked at her as the teetering tears finally rolled down her cheeks.
This was the first time she had cried uncontrollably in front of Yu Zhou, but her face remained calm as if the tears hanging on her cheeks were misplaced and untimely.
“No one.” She repeated it quietly and calmly.
She had been in the circle for ten years, and what she had gone through was far more than this.
“It’s just that, over and over, you learn to distinguish what has value. For me, the support, love, encouragement, sincerity, and affection from my listeners have value. I’m willing to work hard for these things, and let the rest stay in the dark forever.” She sniffed softly, her eyes like the deep and fathomless ocean.
Like her avatar of ten years, the deep, vacant blue.
“That’s right; you’re very rational,” Yu Zhou laughed self-mockingly. “But I can’t do it.”
“You’re not incapable; you can discern what has value and know where to spend your time. You’re smart.” Su Chang shook her head.
“I’ve done a lot for you, really a lot, Zhouzhou. It’s just not that important in your eyes.”
Yu Zhou had always been clear-headed, but she had never considered Su Chang’s love to be so valuable.
“Only today did I realize that you actually care about many things. You care about the Xiang Wan who ‘traveled through time,’ you care if my cat has a cough, you care if Peng Xiangzhi has added those bad guys on WeChat, you care about every single feedback from your readers and even those wild rumors, gossip and jokes on the internet which keep you up all night.”
“You’re very sensitive, I know, I understand. When we first got together, there was a time when we went out to eat, and one of my old fans took a picture of us and put it online. It didn’t spread very far because it didn’t have keywords, and only a dozen or so familiar old fans reposted it. You said it didn’t matter, but in reality, I woke up at 3 a.m. and saw you continuously searching and refreshing ‘Su Chang’ on Weibo, you were scared.”
“You were afraid of it spreading, afraid of being disturbed. I understood that, so after you fell asleep, I messaged each of the old fans who had forwarded it, asking them to delete it. They were very nice to me and deleted it quickly. That’s why I never publicized my private life on the internet again because you were scared.”
“Just like the few people who reposted the photos, I believe that those who say ‘kowtow’ are a very small percentage. Most people don’t have real malicious intent and most of them know how to respect originality and derivative works. Being fellow creators, they wouldn’t say ‘kowtow’ to anyone. Yet, what bothers you are those few, minority comments, even though they are not the mainstream at all.”
“Do you know how much I wish that your concerns could be directed towards me instead?”
Su Chang gently laughed, still with such tenderness.
“You care about every little detail, noticing all the good and the bad.”
“But Yu Zhou, can’t you see me?”
The person standing right in front of you, so full of life.
Su Chang’s tears suddenly broke free, wetting her delicate face, which was exquisite as if it belonged to a painting. Her crying was quiet, just like how a dampened painting would appear.
“You can’t,” she softly concluded.
Then she bent down to pick up her phone before she turned around and left.
CNYuriTranslation 